Blog 2 – Isaac

I felt like I wanted to get this out of the way in one of the first blogs. Not because I don’t want to talk about it, but because I don’t want the blogs to be all about this subject. I have worked really hard to accept and believe that this is just one part of who I am and it does not define me totally.

Let me tell you what happened. Isaac was stillborn. I was 40 weeks and 1 day when I went into labour. When I arrived at the hospital to give birth, the nurse could not find a heartbeat. After that it all gets a bit blurry in my mind. I remember exactly what happened, but I could not tell you how I felt. It was like I had left the room and was watching someone else give birth. But I did give birth. It was me. It was my son and he was perfect. 10 fingers and toes and brown hair like mine. There is no sound quite like a baby taking its first breath and the inevitable cry that follows… but that did not happen. The silence was overwhelming. To this day I absolutely hate silences. I sleep with the TV on or listen to the radio or some music when doing anything at home. Even as I type this I have a Vlog playing on my tablet for some background noise.

I remember my family and friends being there and I remember coming home. That’s when it got hard. Decisions had to be made and I had to be strong and clear minded to make them. I remember eating chicken barm cakes and crumpets. I remember my mum cleaning, always cleaning, and making tea and coffee. I cried until I had no tears left. And then I cried some more. I remember so many silly little things. I don’t think I will ever forget any part of it.

Saying goodbye was harder still. The day came and went before my eyes, but it felt like the longest day. I can clearly see a tiny white coffin and white roses with blue ribbon. That night I got drunk. I had my first alcoholic drink and I listened to some music with my friends. They looked after me though. After that it was just one day at a time. It’s still one day at a time, but I am in a much better place now. There have been some dark moments and I still struggle with occasions. Mother’s Day is particularly hard for me, but I get through it with the support of my family and I keep myself busy with making sure my mum has a nice day. Isaac’s birthday is in January and I mark the occasion every year. It’s tough, but I feel like I need to make those memories for us both. I will be sharing some of my tips and tricks here for navigating my way through all the emotions I feel on a daily basis.

I am nearly 6 years on now. I love my son, I love saying his name and talking about him. But I do try to keep lots of him private. However, I don’t mind sharing aspects of what happened and how I am feeling in this blog. It’s one of the reasons I am here writing this. I had so much support from family and friends and even complete strangers and I want to try and pass on some of the things I have learned as the years have gone by. Unfortunately stillbirth is a massive taboo subject in this country. It is not something that people like to talk about, I get it – it’s not nice and as blunt as this is no one wants to talk about babies who have died. But I have to talk about it because it is my life, I don’t get a choice. If there is anyone reading this that has found themselves in a similar situation or supports anyone who has experienced stillbirth, I hope you can take something away from these blogs, even if it’s just a smile because I know that some days even a smile can be hard. I can’t stress it enough that you are not alone.

This is a summarised version of what happened between me and Isaac. I could go on for ages about everything that went on, but I will leave it here for now. When I write about him here, you will know who I am speaking about and you will know that he is the person I love most in the world. Over time I am sure I will tell you more and share different aspects of being a bereaved mother. I hate that term! Iam bereaved and I am a mother, but I prefer to just be called a mum. Love you Isaac.

Thank you for reading.

Kim/Mummy

If anyone reading this needs some extra support, visit the Stillbirth And Neonatal Death Charity (SANDS) website www.sands.org.uk I used this site to find help and support in my local area. They are fantastic and saved my life!

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Blog 2 – Isaac

  1. Hey Kim,
    Personally I haven’t experienced this, so I have no understanding on you feel! But I am pleased you have a strong network of family and friends around you!
    Isaac will be watching over you and will be like, that strong independent woman is my mum and I’m so proud of her.
    If you ever need to rant, my email is attached

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou for taking the time to read this Nikki. That’s such a lovely thing to say about Isaac being proud of me. It is all I have ever wanted! I have a wonderful network of people around me… and now I have some new people to talk to thanks to this wonderful community of people putting there thoughts down on ‘paper’ I will be sure to look out for your blogs! 💜

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s