This might be the hardest and most honest post I will ever write. It is the one aspect of my life that I struggle with the most and it’s been the one area that losing my son has affected the most. This is where my mental health breaks down I just can’t seem to cope with my feelings when it comes to meeting someone new. I have tried so many different ways of doing things and nothing works. I have had to take myself out of the dating game and really focus on why I am the way I am… I am still learning.
It has been nearly 6 years since I said goodbye to Isaac. And in that time I have had one real serious relationship. I’ve dated a few people and spent some time with others but I’ve only met one person who managed to break down some of the ridiculously high barriers I had put up. He was lovely. Pretty ‘perfect’ for me really. And what did I do? I panicked when it started to get serious and I completely shut myself off from him. We went from being a really strong couple, to literally nothing in a matter of weeks. And it’s all my fault. He was genuine and I know he really cared for me. He was understanding and so patient. But I still couldn’t do it and I let him go. It still plays on my mind and it’s been well over a year.
Well what happened? I’m still not entirely sure. But I will try to explain how I felt. At first I was super happy and positive and so into it. But when we started to get serious and be like a real couple I started to worry about the big picture stuff. As in… this is going well, I’m happy, he is happy and I can see a future with him. But oh… what about babies? Does he want them? Do I want them? Is he going to be OK with the fact that I might not want to go there again. I am not ready. It’s not fair to take that away from him. We should break up. I am not good for him. I can’t give him what he needs. It’s too early to be having this conversation though. So I won’t say anything and it will just eat me alive until I start to push you away and if you get any closer to be am going to cry because you are being too nice. One night I left him in my bed sleeping why I freaked out downstairs sat with the dog in the dark trying to breathe. It was horrendous.
I wouldn’t let him help me or comfort me and I knew at that point I wasn’t ready for this. I did not want to let him go. I really didn’t. I just knew that I was going to be a total mess and I couldn’t face him. I don’t even know if I have told him all this was happening.
It is so difficult to meet someone when you have this massive thing, just sat there, that has to eventually be talked about. Do you say it straight away and risk scaring them off? Do you leave it and wait for a bit and see. But then you have already kept something from them and lied on the first date. Then there is the panic. Are they going to find out from someone else or social media? So many things to consider and this is usually going through my head before they have bought me my first drink! I am still trying to work this one out. I know it sometimes depends on the person but I have to be the one to make the first move when it comes to this and it is so hard. It ruins dating. It just takes all of the fun out of it and I have really struggled to come to terms with this.
I’ve found it easier to just be on my own for now. I’m happy and feel as if I can work on all these problems I have without hurting anyone else or leading them on. But I do worry that I’ll never get past it. I have wasted most of my twenties being single… all my good years gone! I am hoping with more time I will get more clarity and be able to fall in love with someone again. Here’s to my 30s! I am going to make it my mission to heal as many of my wounds as I can so I will be able to open myself up to love.
Thanks for reading.